Posts from ‘Personal development’
Remember that 30 day inner journey I did for the month of June? Well, all I can say is that things just haven’t been the same since. On June 19, something happened. I was in Miami with a few of my closest friends enjoying a lazy day. That night all kinds of hell broke loose. Every kind of hell broke loose.
I was lying down in bed and suddenly I felt these intense surges of heat rolling through my body. But I was also shivering because of the cold rushes that followed. I couldn’t stand the flicker of the TV, the brightness of the room lights was blinding and the sound of the laugh track on the show we were watching made me want to pull my ears off my head and hide them in a drawer until I woke up on the morning. I was surprised by a sudden bout of the runs and a recurring urge to vomit. I didn’t know whether to sit on the toilet or hug the toilet. I thought it might have been food poisoning, but I was also overcome with fear, anxiety and a rush of illogical thoughts about my past. I was freaking out. And my friend who had the same dinner as me was happily watching Rupaul and his fellow drag queens teach repressed women how to find their sexuality. I didn’t sleep a wink.
All the way home, I was plagued with fear, anxiety and random rushes of energy through my upper body. I was sweating and uncomfortable the whole journey home. I tried to distract myself by watching 10 straight episodes of Sex & the City on DirectTV. It didn’t work. My mind was racing, my emotions were all over the place and my body felt like it was tightly bound in uncomfortable clothes. I wanted to crawl out of my skin.
I got home at 11:00 PM and the hot/cold energy continued to rush through my upper body, up my back and arms into my neck. I was sweating in bed at night while I tossed and turned. I got up a few times and walked over to my husband’s side of the bed to see if he was awake. He’s an insomniac, so I thought I might be lucky enough to catch him awake. No such luck. He slept like a baby that night and I cried in bed wondering what the hell was going on. I thought I was going to lose my mind. Then, the craziest thing happened. I suddenly zoomed out and could see myself lying in bed. There were two grey silhouettes in my bed and I had the distinct sense that one of them was my body in turmoil and the other was my consciousness witnessing the former. I watched them until they merged into one single form. Shortly after, I fell asleep.
In the morning, I told Bruce what was happening. He smiled gently and said “it sounds like kundalini.” That’s what I was afraid of. He asked me a series of diagnostic questions:
“Is there energy rising up your spine?”
“Is your mind racing with fear and bullshit from your past.”
“Are you overcome with anxiety?”
“Are all of your senses on overload?”
“Yep, it’s kundalini.”
In just a few minutes, Bruce counselled me on how to manage the energy and the thoughts so I could get through the day. “Breathe down into your feet, don’t buy into the bullshit that’s coming to the surface of your mind, and call me later.” Back in 1996, Bruce had a not-so-pretty encounter with kundalini so he was able to identify the symptoms pretty damn quick. At lunch, I called my mom and grilled her about what I was going through. She confirmed it to be a kundalini experience too; she had hers in 1991. She told me to focus on my exhale, breathe deeply and press my big toe into the Earth to ground me. My mom and Bruce both reminded me that I set an intention at the beginning of the June experiment and that intention was to become conscious, aware and to know myself. I guess I had hoped the experience of becoming conscious would be less painful. After years of hearing Bruce’s stories of his “kundalini days” and having witnessed the torture my mom lived through during her spiritual experience, I never wanted to meet kundalini face-to-face. But it seems we don’t always get to choose.
So this is how we met. Me and Kundalini. I can now confirm first-hand that she’s a force to be reckoned with. And she’s not done with me. Not yet.
Here’s a crude definition of kundalini from Wikipedia. And then there’s a woman named Swami G who has written a book on the kundalini experience. She seems to be the most well versed author on this experience and has definitely helped people integrate and recover from this experience. Her book Kundalini – From Hell to Heaven is a bible of sorts to those who are trying to reconcile their kundalini experiences. I haven’t read it yet, but I think it’s time.
My mom, Ruby Bedi, recently shared a story with me that has a really profound lesson. I felt it worth sharing with all of you because it really showed me how we often times misinterpret the “signs” in our lives. It also taught me that no matter who you are – a monk or an ordinary person – you can still get it wrong.
There once was a Buddhist monk. He lived deep in the forest in a monastery with his fellow monks and masters. Every day, he engaged in his daily practices and rituals. He lived with nothing but the robes on his back and a small sash in which he could carry a few small things should he need to travel to other monasteries around the world. He practiced under a master so severe, so austere, that he had been described as cruel by fellow monks. The severity, he justified, was just pushing him to achieve the peace he so longed for.
Long before he was a monk, he was an ordinary man. He had a wife, a job and a home. He lived in a big city and drove to work and went grocery shopping. But he couldn’t deny the calling that took him to the depths of the forest to pursue a life of purity and discipline in the hopes of achieving nirvana.
It had been 7 years that the ordinary man had lived as a monk in the forest. The peace he sought eluded him. After years of practice, discipline and struggle, the monk decided that it was time for him to leave the monastery. He was angry and fed up with his master. He didn’t want to live one more moment of torture under this monk’s thumb. One day, he walked out the front door of the monastery. There was a car waiting to take him back home. He got in and didn’t look back.
The car, unfortunately, broke down only meters away from the monastery. The monk thew his head back in defeat. Dammit, he secretly thought. The Universe, God, Buddha was telling him that he had made a mistake. He wasn’t meant to leave the brotherhood. He was turning his back on his path. He was denying his destiny. The thought plagued him, but not enough to change his mind. He got the car running again, drove for hours and hours and finally arrived at home.
Years later the monk, now an ordinary man, met a master in ordinary clothes. He told her he was wrestling with his decision to leave the Buddhist path and to return home. He recounted the story of the car breaking down and how in that moment he knew that he had made a mistake by leaving the monastery. The wise master didn’t waste a single moment. “You idiot!” she said. “You got the message all wrong! The broken down car was not telling you not to leave. The broken down car was teaching you not to leave in anger! ”
I just thought I would quickly mention that my mom is hosting an Inlighten Me Experience one-day event in Calgary on Sunday, August 21. If you like the stuff that I’ve shared on my blog about her and her philosophies, you might want to check it out. As you know, if you’ve been reading my blogs, I’ve been doing a lot of her work and it’s really been instrumental in the profound changes in my life and perspective over the last number of months. I encourage you to check it out, even if you are only fractionally intrigued. This is not another new age, self-help seminar. I assure you.
At last, the final installment in my management trilogy on gifts, talents and skills. Today, all I want to talk about is gifts. ‘Cause in the end, that’s the one thing that really matters.
Remember a gift is something you are stupidly amazing at without even trying. It’s something you were born with and something that comes naturally to you. What you’ll notice about gifts is that when you use or share them, you actually gain energy, you don’t lose it. You’ll have all sorts of passion for it. It kind of defies physics which is what makes it so magical. You’ll find that your day flies by when you are in a role that allows you to utilize and share your gifts. You’ll find your work, and your life, so much satisfying when you’re aware of your gift and you use it. And you’ll very likely be recognized for it. People notice when you get to do what you are best at every day. And with recognition often comes success. Seems obvious, doesn’t it?
Here’s where a lot of people get stuck though. They don’t value their gifts because they come so easy. And they often make the mistake of believing that what they do is easy for everyone because it comes easy to them. Not the case! There’s this stupid underlying assumption that only the things you work hard at are fulfilling and rewarding. That’s total bullshit too. The bottom line is that if you deny your gifts, you are denying a deep part of who you are. You might perceive someone else’s gifts as more rewarding or worthy, but that’s only because you are an idiot. You might think you’d prefer that gift because it will make you more successful. Well, that other person you are envying is probably using their gift which is what is fueling the success. It’s not the gift itself. It’s the awareness and utilization of the gift. Seems obvious, doesn’t it?
Don’t make the mistake of undervaluing your gift. Know it. Embrace it. Share it. Realize how important your unique gift is to the world.
In my last post, I shared my personal definitions of gifts, talents and skills. In this post, I want to dig deeper into these 3 wonderful things and figure out why we often get tripped up when we are trying to figure out how they are different from each other. Here’s what I think is the crux of the confusion: One person’s gift might be another person’s skill. Let’s look at a few examples.
I have a few friends who are gifted when it comes to analytics. It just comes naturally to them. It’s just how they think. They are often graphing things, trying to understand the true value of something and wondering about what the trend is over a certain period of time. My one friend, in particular, sits by a window at work where a number of trains go by every day. I told him how I love trains, how they make me feel and what they remind me of. He told me he wonders what the average number of train cars on a train is and often thinks about tracking it on a spreadsheet to better understand the pattern. Interesting … but not to me. Another guy (ahem, my father the economist), carpools with a number of oil & gas guys to work in Houston every day. He told me about how him and his 3 carpool buddies track their fuel mileage on different routes over a period of time to determine what the most economical route to work is. Bruce (my husband) nearly died. He was like, “who cares and what’s a spreadsheet?!” I was impressed that this is how they willingly spend their time. It makes sense because neither Bruce nor I are analysts or economists at heart. Another analytical friend of mine spent the last hour of his work day with me last week teaching me algebra. I was keen to learn, and he was pretty excited to share it. He was sharing a gift and I was developing a skill.
Another great example is with my colleagues who are writers. I find writers tend to be very aware of their gift. I remember my friend Tara of Versus Boredom telling me that everyone can write, but not everyone’s a writer. It’s so cut and dry with this one. Almost anyone can develop the skill to write correctly (for some it takes more work than others), but not everyone is gifted at communicating with words.
What’s the difference between a talent and a skill? This one can get a little murky. Talents are sometimes just things that we can pick up easily. Like my mom. She’s amazing at cooking. It’s easy for her and she just seems to have a way of turning an empty fridge into a gourmet meal. She’s not gifted at it though. And she never really learned it. My mom’s gift is helping people figure out what their gifts are! Then there’s someone like Leanne from Healthful Pursuit. Now that’s not talent in the kitchen, that’s a pure gift! She’s driven, passionate and totally comes to life when she talks about healthy food. And her recipes are works of art. It just comes naturally to her. It’s who she is. But, here’s where it can get confusing. Sometimes talents are clues about undiscovered gifts. When you pursue the talent, you find you had some gifts that were lying dormant waiting to be awakened. That’s why it’s so incredibly important to explore your talents. You might find a gift, or you might just find something that you can pick up easily. Either way, you’re in luck!
So here’s a few questions you can ask yourself to get a little clearer on this whole thing: Are you aware of your gifts? Do you have any talents that need some attention? And what skills would help you do your job or live your life better? Now do something with this knowledge!
As a manager of people, I often think about what my peeps are passionate about, what they’re good at and what they can learn. My thinking on this often ends up with me trying to discern what the difference is between a gift, a talent and a skill. We managers use these words interchangeably, but I genuinely believe these are different things. And consequently, as a manager, it’s important to understand which is which in your peeps. Why? Because it determines how you help them grow.
Gifts are something you are just born with
These are things that you are inexplicably good at. Gifts come naturally. They are something you don’t even think about doing, you just do it and you do it well. Often times people marvel at your gifts because they don’t have the same gift. To them, it’s mind boggling how you can just do this thing you do with such ease.
If you have someone who is in a role where they don’t get to use or at least share their gifts, you aren’t getting the most out of them and they aren’t giving everything they’ve got. I think it’s a manager’s role to help their people discover their gifts, use them, share them and honour them. Here’s the tricky thing. People often don’t value their gifts because they come so easily to them. You have to point out that these gifts are unique to them. That what they do naturally doesn’t come naturally to their peers. And you have to balance their utilization of their gifts with the development of talents and skills, otherwise they might not grow in new and important ways doing what they do naturally every day. A little bit of discomfort and chaos is good for people – a little.
Talents are something you have a propensity for
You have a knack for it. With just a bit of coaching, teaching and training, you can pick it up with relative ease. You may not love it and you may not be the best at it, but it comes somewhat easily. And you do it well.
If you’ve got someone who is showing a propensity for something, give them little side projects to exercise untapped talents. Help them cultivate their talents by offering them ways to use them on smaller projects. Encourage them to learn more about it; see if they discover a new passion. If they find out that a talent is in fact a gift, you might want to see if their role can include this new talent or whether there is a better role for them (in or out of the organization) that will enable them to utilize this gift. I once worked with a guy who was a very talented designer. What we found through a little side project that he was incredibly gifted at product design. Within a year of discovering this gift, he changed roles and moved into the product design group. Had we not experimented a bit, we might not have tripped over this hidden gift.
Skills are something you develop with hard work, years of experience and training
These are things you’ve learned on the job or in life after having had to develop them to do your job or get through your life. They aren’t necessarily things you love doing or are astoundingly great at, but you can do it.
A lot of people don’t want to learn the skills that will in fact make their jobs easier, because that’s not what they are passionate about to begin with. For example, I’m in marketing. I need to use Excel to understand how my programs are faring – are they making money, are they not, are they meeting expectations, are they not? I don’t love Excel, I’m not super great at it, but it’s a means to an end. It helps me understand how I’m doing and ultimately do my job better. Over the years, I’ve gleaned a bit about Excel from my analyst friends who use it like it’s another function of their body. And it’s made my work better. So while your people may not enjoy the actual skill itself, it might be worth suggesting a day or two of training if you (and they) believe it will make their jobs easier or more efficient. This is not about developing a passion or a talent, this is about helping them do what they do better and faster.
Next time you are at work, stop and think about what you are doing. Is it a gift, a talent or a skill?
I’m sure you’ll all agree with me. Being acknowledged is a wonderful feeling. When someone acknowledges us, something deep within is reaffirmed which builds our confidence. I’ll never forget when one of my former bosses told me he just knew I “got it” when we met for my first interview. He saw something in me that I didn’t yet see and later needed to be reminded of. His words became a rock I could rely on when I was flailing in self-doubt.
On the flip side, acknowledging others is pretty darn wonderful too. When you start acknowledging those who have brought something to your life that wasn’t there before, you get to experience gratitude. You are acknowledging something bigger than yourself and something deep within someone else. In my experience, this connects you more deeply to the people who have shared their gifts with you and allows you to experience the beauty of our interdependence. And to see the glow of being acknowledged in someone else’s eyes is truly a reward in and of itself.
Often we think that we are giving something up by acknowledging someone else’s role in our life. It can be seen as an admission of weakness. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth. You give up nothing (okay, maybe you give up a little ego, but that’s not a bad thing!) by acknowledging the people around you who have shared themselves with you. In fact, you’ll see that it is as rewarding, if not more, than being acknowledged.
Ask yourself if there’s someone you need to acknowledge. And do it. And look into their eyes when you do it. I guarantee you will not be let down.
You’re probably picturing little cardboard boxes piled up on top of each other. Now imagine these little brown boxes are in your head. And each one of them contains a unique thought, memory and experience. And each one is tightly packed as though it’s going to be shipped somewhere.
But these little boxes aren’t going anywhere. They are piled up neatly in the deep, dark recesses of your mind and they are heavy. Too heavy, in fact, to move. And as you go about your day-to-day life, you unconsciously add new people, thoughts and experiences into the little boxes that contain similar things.
You meet someone new. New person reminds you of old person who lied to you, so new person goes into the box of people who lied to you. You encounter a new situation, but it’s just as uncomfortable as sitting in the dentist’s chair as the hygenist scrapes the tartar off your teeth. So it slips into a box called “yucky situations that suck but have to be tolerated.” You make a mistake and it falls into the biggest box of all: The box labeled “I’m an idiot and I always make the same mistakes. For God’s sake when am I going to learn? I’m such a bad person.”
Suddenly these innocuous little boxes that were once organizing your life and helping you make sense of the new become dangerously heavy and hard-to-move beliefs. Suddenly, you are just a jaded person who makes unfair associations about new people, situations and experiences. You don’t allow the uniqueness of each new thing to unfold because you are busy packing it up into a little box just to make yourself comfortable.
What if you stopped putting similar people in the same little boxes? What if you became conscious of the unconscious associations you’ve been making? What if you didn’t put people, experiences and thoughts in boxes at all? What if you let the new be the new?
Start unpacking. Give the new the chance to be something different. See what happens.
Today is the first day of June. Friday is my birthday.
To mark my 34th year, I’ve decided to join my mother (Ruby Bedi) and my husband (Bruce) on a 30-day inner journey. The intent is to peel back the layers of inauthenticity, uncover and overcome deeply entrenched patterns, discover our individual purposes, and become totally present in our bodies. To be entirely honest, I’m not sure what to expect, but so far it’s started with a letter of intention and two nights of meditation.
If I’m brave enough I may share my letter of intention (written in the form of a “Dear God” letter) and other realizations and experiences along the way. But for now, I felt like it was worth saying to the world, “Hey guess what! I’m gonna commit to an inner experiment for the next 30 days.” I’m not good at commitment, so this is already the beginning of some kind of change.
Here we go … Wish me luck!
Sona: I’ve never met Carmen, but we recently started connecting online when we discovered each others’ blogs. In the short time I’ve known Carmen, I’ve learned she’s an incredibly genuine, smart, expressive and honest woman. And she’s gorgeous. But recently, I also learned she’s very funny. I read this blog Carmen posted on her site a while ago and killed myself laughing at just how honest and funny she really is. Trust me, I could relate to this post and I’m sure a lot of you can too. If you like what you read here, be sure to visit her coaching site or “Like” Carmen Jubinville on Facebook.
I was sure I had stooped to an all-time low the day I ate my daughter’s left over chicken nugget off the dirty floor of my mini van. Here’s how things went down. I was having a day from hell, one of those days where I spent the entire morning yelling at my kids to get their clothes on, their shoes, their sweaters… “Hurry up, we’re gonna be late!” Next it was the car seat challenge, I don’t know about your kids, but mine insist on getting into their seats all by themselves. In theory, this is nice, it displays independence as well as exercises motor skills, but when mommy is in a rush because she hit the snooze button one too many times… Well you get my point. I’m not expecting any “mother of the year” awards, that’s for sure.
Anyway, my chaotic morning turned into my day and things unfolded accordingly. My forehead was wrinkled all day and I doubt I even broke a smile. Nonetheless, I completed my errands and it was time for the drive home. All I wanted was a little peace and quiet, so I set up the DVD player and stopped by the McDonald’s drive-thru. By this time, the kids were starving and so was I… It was combos all around. Now, I have nothing against fast food, I’m a firm believer that balance is the key to life. But what I do know is that after eating a combo all to myself, there is not a bit of room for more. For those of you who know my story however, it’s no big secret that when my life gets uncomfortable, I find myself standing in front of the fridge. In this case, eye-balling my kid’s Happy Meals. This is my “ignore your life in this moment” tactic. And then it happened…
I saw my daughter drop her chicken nugget on the carpeted floor of my mini van as we were driving home from the city. I had my eye on the nugget as if it were a piece gold and secretly thought to myself, “if she doesn’t whine about it in one minute or less, that nugget is mine!” On that particular day, sixty seconds seemed to last forever. My mouth was watering and I was certain the half-eaten chicken nugget was a sealed deal. Time was up and she hadn’t made a peep. And so, I risked our lives and reached for the nugget and popped it into my mouth. I ate it so fast I’m not sure I can claim chewing it, but nonetheless, I consumed the nugget and life was good… for a moment or two.
Suddenly, as if slapped in the face, I realized what had just happened. I quickly found myself in a familiar state of mind. And like a big bully, I started judging myself and putting myself down. Just as quickly though, some Body Love brainwashing kicked in. I remembered that beating myself up had no benefit and if I continued doing it, I would just end up at home heading straight for the fridge. I knew myself all to well these days and that was a good thing. And so like a psycho-therapist, I asked myself, “Carmen, what is the nugget trying to tell you?” And can you believe it? Here’s what one half-eaten, dirty chicken nugget had to say.
Carmen, our lives collided today for you to learn these simple lessons:
- The snooze button is not your friend.
- Be pro-active in your life, prepare ahead of time and organize yourself so that you control your day instead of your day controlling you. Only you can do this for yourself.
- Instead of feeling like a terrible mother for yelling at your kids and allowing it to ruin your day, try apologizing to them instead and then let it go.
- Take time in your day to stop and laugh. Motherhood can sometimes feel like one step away from the insane asylum but take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Millions of women can validate your feelings so pick up the phone and giggle about it.
- Quit wrinkling your forehead, it doesn’t look good on you.
- And last but not least… Never, ever feel bad about eating. You know it’s your hitching post and so instead of being mean to yourself, do what you did today… it’s amazing how us foods can be enlightening and life changing.
Maybe we’ll run into you again sometime. Who knows.
And there you have it… wisdom from a chicken nugget.
We often talk about “the company.” Especially when we are looking for someone to blame.
The company doesn’t know what it’s doing.
The company doesn’t get it.
The company doesn’t care.
The company needs to make a decision.
Have you ever asked yourself who the company is? Here’s an obvious realization: It’s the leaders in the business. It’s your manager, your manager’s manager, the directors, the board, the shareholders, the executive, the management team, the senior managers, the people making decisions. It’s people. It’s people with power and influence.
Next time you are tempted to blame the company, ask yourself who you are really talking about.
Background on the “Obvious realization” series: This is a series of posts dedicated to my friend Angela who thinks it’s cute that every now and then I have an “obvious realization” that totally changes my life. Here’s the other posts in this series.